the following is an excerpt from the clothier quarterly, derry, maine, from 1906:
“that’s it” harry said as he threaded the eye of a needle. harry mchemmerschmidt was very wealthy, the wealthiest clothier in all of hargensplargen, maine. he made clothes for the wealthiest aristocrats in all of the northeast us.
harry was particularly addicted to laudanum. a liqeur based extract of opium, full of morphine, very popular in the late 19th century seamstress and clothier world. hargensplargen had a drug store just two blocks away from harry’s shop. in the last year his addiction really picked up. sometimes he would accidentally get needle stuck in his fingers, while nodding off. mr.mchemmerschmidt was very sad and used the laudanum as a form of mood balancer. though it often ended up with him vomiting and passing out in a puddle of his own vomit.
he started having visions, of a religious nature. he told reporters in 1897 “the lord appeared before me with great plans of setting to restore his nation upon the earth. i was born in the lord’s promised land to his people, maine. i was to sew together a garment only worthy of our god.” he set to work. he started using cocaine to stay awake for hours, and to counter off the humours curing, somnelent effects of his heavy laudanum use. he stitched together a 40 foot by 20 foot suit, the largest suit ever made east of the mississippi.
he waited four long years for the lord to come out and try on this ornately adorned suit. when this did not happen by 1901, he would get intoxicated and proclaim from a soapbox, “there is no god! god does not exist!” to further get his point across, he climbed up the town’s church, affixed with a large metal rod, in the middle of a thunderstorm. he sewed together a flag that had on it his idea that god had cheated him and made him look like a fool so he shouted from the top of the church “this is a church made of lies” in a slurred, intoxicated tone.
there was a bright flash as he said this, and lightning had struck the spire of which he was precariously perched and leaning on. He was electrocuted and fell to his death. church attendance has since been on the rise in his hometown of hargensplargen maine. they bought his suit and scrapped it for linens. this is why hargensplargen maine now puts up thieves and aduterers onto the church spire’s lightning rod to this day, for god to judge them. even the governor of maine came for the spectacle in a highly covered visit in 1904. this author will mention how later that year, the governor was found to be having multiple affairs with women in bangor, boston, and even as far as burlington.
the moral of the story is do not climb onto the roof of a church in the middle of a thunderstorm. the hysteria of harbengarben, maine is at full steam, according to this author. they have made the churches spire twice as high with donation plate collections.
garrett blog 